Bad Month

I've not written anything for the past month for one very good reason, I've struggled to keep to my new years resolution of being positive.

I woke up a month ago with yet another migraine, I've been getting them more and more regularly (up to one per week) for the past couple of years and in between the migraines I'm dizzy, unsteady and have a constant headache. After suffering for a week, I went to see my doctor, and from there my world has spiralled into the pits of worry.

I've had blood tests, an MRI scan, the results of which have meant I've been referred to see a Neurologist, urgently. Not that you would know it was urgent when you find out they can't give me an appointment until May! I mean, seriously?!

I've got something called Cerebral Atrophy, basically a section of my brain has shrunk, so now we have to figure out what has caused it and how to treat it, if it's even possible.

I've come to the conclusion that my brain is out to get me, as if being bipolar isn't enough, now I've got some (currently unknown) disease shrinking my brain.

All of this, including the fact that I haven't had a day where I've not been dizzy or in pain for the last month makes it pretty darn difficult to be positive, however, my Hubby reminded me this morning what I do have to be positive about:

1. I don't have a brain tumour, which was the initial theory for my being ill
2. I have a family and Husband who love and support me
3. My GP actually gave enough of a crap to get tests done, no other doctor I've seen about these migraines in 20 years has bothered
4. I've been given extra anti-depressants to try and keep the pits from swallowing me up, because I was most definitely heading in that direction a few weeks ago.
5. My boss at work has been fantastic, telling me to work when I can and not feel under pressure to work if I'm not up to it.
6. I've won a few competitions recently, which always cheers me up for a bit!

So, I'm going to try and get through the next three months without worrying too much, and hope every day that I get a call saying they can bring the referral appointment forward!

Bad Week

I've had one of those week's which make it damn near impossible to stay positive. I hit a slump and picking myself back up is easier said than done. Saying that though, I know when I think about it that there was a lot of good stuff went on this week, I just find it hard to remember!

My hubby bought me a subscription to Metal Hammer magazine for Christmas and the first issue arrived this week, which has meant as well as having my head in a book every spare minute I've spent some of it with my head in the magazine, planning album purchases and adding to my gig wish list!

I also read the best book I've read in a few years. It was just so thrilling, tense and a perfect getaway from how I was feeling. The book was Guilty Pleasures by Laurell K Hamilton, the first book in the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series. I'd say if you enjoy paranormal fiction this is going to blow your mind!

Hubby and I went to visit my sister and her husband, was really nice to get out of Bristol for the day, and there's something about driving that helps me switch my head off, whatever mood I'm in. I actually laughed, stupid couldn't control it laughing, just what I needed when I was feeling so low.

However, despite good things happening, I had a night full of nightmares last night and have had a migraine all day today. I really want to go and cook to try and boost my mood, but I'm so tired and in so much pain, not to mention having issues with my eyes! I'm just not sure using sharp knives and a hot cooker is a particularly good idea!

I think I'm going to have a soak in the bath, read my book and be naughty and order food in tonight. I don't do it too often, we can't really afford it, but doesn't hurt now and again does it?!

Food Glorious Food

One of the things that can pick me up is cooking. My biggest problem is that if I'm in a slump I have trouble motivating myself to actually start cooking. Well today, I needed that boost so I somehow managed to motivate myself into the kitchen and cooked up this gourmet cuisine...

It's Oozy Mushroom Risotto and a Spinach Salad, both recipes taken from my copy of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals. Aside from tasting fantastic, the actual process of cooking really helped me get my head back into a place where I could function today, which it really wasn't when I got up this morning!

I'm not sure exactly what it is about cooking that I find therapeutic, maybe it's being let loose with a sharp knife, maybe it's seeing all these fantastic flavours and colours come together from pretty basic and often boring ingredients. Picking Risotto was probably not the brightest idea I've had however, normally me and Risotto don't mix, i.e. this is the first time I've ever made an edible Risotto! Not sure why, I can normally cook pretty much anything I put my hand to, it doesn't always look good but it normally tastes pretty good. But Risotto is one of those I've always struggled with, today though, the Risotto God's were smiling down on me and I managed to put together a fantastic dish that was not only really tasty, but gave me a bit of a boost out of my depressive slump.

Now I just need to maintain the upward trajectory!

Until next time, this is Bright Side Girl signing out, and actually feeling a sense of positive achievement!

Week One Is Over

Well the first week of my mission to be optimistic rather than pessimistic is over and it's been pretty good. If I'm honest though, today I feel like crap, no reason other than I'm in a slump and struggling to find a reason to smile. Sometimes it feels like there's a heavy weight bearing down on me, I start doubting that my meds work and couldn't muster up a smile if my life depended on it. Today is one of those days, so, it seems like a good time to remind myself what I've done this week that has been positive...

New Year
My new year celebrations were uneventful. Hubby and I had a quiet night in playing Scrabble and talking. And I have to say uneventful is good, I've realised over time that eventful usually leads to misery! So my New Year came and went without noise, music, or fireworks. But it was perfect.

Movies
Having been given gift vouchers for the cinema for Christmas, Hubby and I decided to utilise them and actually get ourselves out of the house to see how normal people live! We went to see Tron: Legacy on Sunday which was great fun and then Burlesque on Wednesday which although it had a pretty rubbish story was still an enjoyable film.

Books
I've managed to get through two books this week and am on my third. After totting up how many books I read in 2010 (83), I've agreed with a friend to try and reach 100 this year. Will I do it? God knows! But I'll try, books are where I like to lose myself, when I'm struggling with my depression and fighting my internal demons it's books that help me through. My imagination comes to life when I'm reading, as though everything else just disappears in a mist around me. Of course, reality is always there, but it's good to get away now and again!

Blog
I'm also stunned at how many views this blog has had already! OK so 70 isn't a massive amount, but my last blog took about 3 months to reach those kinds of numbers so I'm not complaining! And maybe it's proof that I'm not alone in needing to try and be more positive!

So those are the things I've done this week. I've not been in a particularly good mood, but Hubby, being the perfect man he is, reminds me of reasons to be happy when I'm spiralling into the depths of despair! For example:

I miscalculated our financials this month which is going to see us go into the red for a couple of days before we get paid again. It took me two days to tell him because I got so worked up about it and when I did he just told me not to worry, everything always finds a way of working itself out. The next day we find out the new bank account we've signed up for is not only going to be fee-free for a year, but the overdraft will be fee and interest free. A massive relief for me and a reminder that, as is usually the case, he's much better at optimism than I am!

Bright Side Diaries

Born 31 years ago, I've lived a life of ups and downs. My problem though as a bipolar pessimist is that I take the downs in life and hold on to them as though my life depends on it. As 2011 begins I want to change that, my new years resolution is seemingly a simple one:

To focus on the good things in life, to smile more, laugh more, and appreciate everything that's positive in my life. To take the highs with the low's and not just wallow in the low's as I have until now.

I'm not sure it will be as simple as that though, I've got 31 years of teaching myself to react a certain way to things, and that's going to take some work to change. So, I decided to write a blog about my journey.

I've written a couple of blogs in the past which have, quite frankly, wallowed in self pity and whilst they were therapeutic they were also extremely helpful for me to channel my thinking. My theory this time is that if I want to think positively I need to channel positivity!

Bright Side Diaries will be my blog, telling my story as I journey to become an optimist, feel free to join me as I step into the unknown!

Coming Soon

Check back on January 1st 2011 to find out more about my mission!